i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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