She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
