There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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