When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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