all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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