Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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