is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
