I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
