I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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