I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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