Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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