I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you had me at cake vodka
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
