I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
this is an emotional support booty call
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
