Who wears a wallet chain?!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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