I cut my penus on the lid.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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