Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
