What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
