so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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