god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
