Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
