I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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