i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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