plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have fence marks all over my body
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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