i think my mom watched the whole time
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
