I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
