It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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