Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
