You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
