I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
