I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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