I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
