take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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