Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
