God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
