I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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