So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
