so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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