I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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