Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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