the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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