I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
