i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
