im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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