oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
