maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
