you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
