i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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