I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
