so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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