We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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