So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
